The Curiosity Chronicles — 13
A silver lining in long distance relationships that could help you — even if you live in the same house.
Hello Friends! I have been a bit rubbish at keeping up with this lately; thank you for your patience.
Welcome to my new subscribers, too! It’s lovely to have you aboard!
I have yet to take the opportunity to introduce myself in this newsletter since most of my early subscribers were friends and family. So today, I will share a little about myself via a few fun “getting to know you” questions, followed by a little story about one of the silver linings of spending most of my married life half a world away from my husband.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
What is your best childhood memory?
I remember exploring a car junkyard and collecting treasures when I was about ten years old, which I am sure Mum loved finding in my pockets!
Who is your hero?
My husband, for a myriad of reasons.
What is your most prized possession?
My husband gave me a medallion that has been in his family for hundreds of years and has been worn by soldiers in conflicts from the Boer war (and possibly the Napoleonic wars) through the present day.
If your pet could talk, what do you think they might say about you?
“I love snuggling up against her on the bed, but she tosses and turns too much in bed.”
If you could choose one superpower, what would it be?
Definitely teleportation. Trips to fantastic destinations at the drop of a hat with no time spent in a metal tube? Sign me up!
What would your warning label say?
Don’t mistake her gentleness for weakness.
What was the first concert you attended? The best concert?
I'm not sure about the first. It probably would have been a church-related thing. The best one is a toss-up between John Denver and Keith Urban.
If you lived 500 years ago, what do you think your profession would be?
Realistically, a housewife, but I would love to have been a healer, though that would probably mean that I’d have been burned at the stake for being a witch.
What is a strange habit you have?
I sort my M&Ms into colour groups and eat them in a specific order.
What’s your repeat comfort show/movie?
Mamma Mia movies or Star Trek Next Generation.
What was your most questionable haircut?
As a child, I begged for my hair to be short and wound up looking like a mushroom (think late 1970s). I’ve never had it really short since, though I considered shaving my head during the pandemic when I was first embracing my silver racing stripes.
What are you passionate about?
Helping people.
Silver linings
Last month, Mr Collier and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary — the first time we had physically spent one together! We celebrated with a trip to Sydney, which included a stay in a lovely hotel, lots of room service, and a concert at the Opera House. It was beautiful to get away together.
For as long as we have been together, we have spent just 10-15% of our time physically in each other’s presence. The rest of the time, he was deployed worldwide as a Royal Marine in various theatres, and I held the fort at home. It was a steep learning curve for us, learning how to grow a relationship when we were on opposite sides of the planet!
More than one person in my life told me I was nuts and that it would never last, that they couldn’t possibly cope or put up with this life if they were in my position. Each to their own, one supposes, but we made it work. We were invested in growing our connection and strengthening the ties while we were apart. Long-distance relationships are complex and take a great deal of conscious effort to develop, even more so with the danger inherent in his occupation.
Our partnership was our priority, so we made time and space to nurture it.
I wanted to share one of the great things about long-distance relationships that holds for any relationship but was turbocharged in our situation to the point where we are each other’s best friends and lovers and are still going strong with the finish line in sight. We are each other’s first port of call and refuge when the world is too much.
It’s a straightforward thing. The secret to a great relationship in any circumstance is to build a solid friendship as your foundation.
We couldn’t get distracted by physicality or day-to-day mundanities, so we talked to each other about anything and everything. We had long, meandering chats that ranged all over the place. We discussed books, movies, and TV shows. We delved into the metaphysical and the mysteries of the universe. We discussed history and art. We talked about cars and tanks. Politics and conflicts past and present. You name it, we chatted about it.
We had to be open, honest, and forthright, particularly about our emotions and needs, because there was no body language to read, no vocal queues, no nuances, and no hints in the hope that the other person would 'get it’. There were just pixels on a screen and occasionally a voice at the end of the line. We often communicated via music, sending songs that helped us say what we needed to say when we couldn’t find the words.
We shared everything, from what we ate for breakfast, the traffic on the way to work, and the funny things we saw or heard though the day.
We made time for fun. We considered what each of us enjoyed, found fun, and ensured we balanced what we did. We were thoroughly silly as Mr Collier educated me on the British sense of humour, and we compared cultural differences.
We supported each other wholeheartedly no matter what was going on and gave each other the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to conclusions. We ensured that we listened carefully and sought clarification when we needed it. We learned how to hear each other without trying to fix or distract. We worked through our shadow selves together, shifting our baggage from the first half of life and removing obstacles and trip hazards.
We brought each other peace and light as often as possible in a circumstance that was sometimes very dark and difficult. We gave comfort and solace during times of grief. We gave each other space when required and didn’t spin off into a panic attack when that was requested. Sometimes, we sat in silence, and knowing the other person was there was enough.
This friendship has become a solid foundation for our relationship now that Mr Collier has retired and returned home (though being an officer, he can be recalled until he hits retirement age, so I am not counting my chickens yet! But the end is in sight.). These days, now that we can communicate face to face, our epic meandering chats continue, and our interactions are reinforced with those things we lacked when we were apart.
If you want a robust, healthy and fulfilling relationship, remember that your partner is your best friend and keep cultivating that purposefully. Don’t let that fade with age or be overtaken by the vagaries of our everyday lives. Communication is the key. Create a safe environment to share your hearts and talk to each other! Go deep!
I discuss this in more detail as I chronicle our journey with all its pitfalls and mountain tops in a book that, for the moment, I am calling With your Shield or on it: a project that seems to be never-ending but a lot of fun. Mr Collier will be writing some parts too, to give a service person’s perspective. When will it be finished? I have no idea; you’ll be the first to know! I hope it helps someone somewhere along the way to navigate a relationship with a military person or even just a long-distance relationship.
I’d love to get to know you a bit better, too. Please grab a couple, or all, of the getting to know you questions and answer them in the comments!
If you want to keep up with my other art or writing and socials, you can find them here.
Thanks again for allowing me into your inbox!
Michelle